thevulnerability | ic contact for entranceway;

( her smile is tinged with a rueful kind of bittersweetness, then. )

You find your new normal.

( it's never going to be the way that it was again. they can never unlearn or unsee the things they have learned and seen. as awful as it is to say that one gets used to the madness, that's ... kind of what happens. amidst all of it, there's a balance to be found.

she'd like to believe that.

but it's chloe's last admission that has elena canting her head to the side. it's hard to imagine chloe not being able to do something. ) What's stopping you?

[ Chloe stares down at the table again. She knows she's being a little difficult and really, if Elena can do it, why can't she? She has friends here. She's just not sure that's enough. ]

I don't know. I guess my kid, mostly. [ Things with Lucifer aside, she's not sure if she can move beyond existing with Trixie. On the one hand, at least she knows her daughter isn't dead. On the other hand, not having her near her it like having the tether to her entire reality severed. After Trixie was born, going back to work had almost been painful for Chloe. Sure, the pain of being away from her daughter for at least eight hours a day had become more tolerable, eventually fading into her being happy to cook her breakfast, feeling guilty when she missed storytime and even kind of enjoying her nights off when Dan had her. After a while, she got comfortable not being around her all of the time.

And that was the problem. She new, eventually, not having Trixie would be her new normal. And at that point, Chloe would never be able to forgive herself. ]

I don't feel right... without her. I know chances are she's at home, and she's fine and one day I'll see her again. I keep trying to convince myself of that but it doesn't make it any easier.

( any reason that chloe could give for her inaction would be valid, but elena isn't sure there's anything more justifiable than missing one's child. elena wishes, more than anything, that she could tell chloe they'll figure out a way to get home; that they'll decode wonderland's mysteries and all will go back to the way that it once was. but after a whole year in this place, she's aware both tasks are easier said than done -- if not outright impossible. there's no besting wonderland's magic.

she's tried and it's come with its own consequences. )

I think it would be stranger if it was easy.

( but chloe is a good mother, who loves trixie more than anything, so of course it isn't. )

But maybe it doesn't have to be an either/or situation. Finding ways to take care of yourself doesn't mean you're giving up on her. It just means you're keeping your head above water while you look for ways to get back to her. Sometimes that's all anyone can do.

[ Chloe lets out a long breath of air, nodding slowly. She knows Elena is right, and she knows that the worst she can do is risk shutting down, losing herself in her grief and thus throwing away any chance she does have of finding a way out of here.

But she also knows how unlikely that is. How the people before her have fought to find a way home with no avail. How the last time it was attempted, it ended with Klaus nearly killing Lucifer and half of Wonderland blaming the people who had bothered to try. They are all trapped there, and the only difference between anyone was there is the people who had come to terms with that and the people that haven't. ]

Yeah. You know, that makes a lot of sense.

[ Chloe manages a thankful smile. Even if there isn't any way for her to get home to Trixie anytime soon, at least she can be thankful for the fact that she has met some amazing people who seem glad to help her get by. Chloe doubts she deserves it, but it does make it easier to get through the day. ]

Is that what you feel like here? Like you're just keeping your head above water? [ She knows everyone adjusts to it differently. Lucifer doesn't seem particularly unhappy here, he has made it work. Seth wants to be here far more than he wants to be at home. ]

At first?

( she manages a small smile, despite how far away her first day in wonderland seems. she and bonnie arrived together, hand in tight hand. in that sense, elena had been a step ahead of everyone else. not only did she have someone from home, it was bonnie -- the strongest and most resourceful person that elena knows. her best friend and sister. how could she be scared? but then not even bonnie's magic worked against wonderland's forces. they both learned the hard way. )

I don't want to make it seem like any of this is okay. I still miss my brother and my friends. But there are also people I would've never met, if not for Wonderland. ( people like lucifer and chloe. ) There are things I would've never been allowed to do, because being home meant just trying to survive. ( it meant bleeding herself dry, over and over again, for people who would never see her as more than just that: a blood bag. )

And I don't know if there really is a way home that we can choose. So if nothing we do matters, then all that matters is what we do.

( she never forgets those words from angel. she's said them before, when caroline asked her a similar question. )

I think part of it all is figuring out what you want -- and then figuring out what you can live with. ( and what you can't live without. )

[ It's such a perfect way to phrase is, and those words will stick in Chloe's memory. A mantra, maybe, likely to be used by or to herself at a later time.

It is, after all, almost the same thing she's told Lucifer and Seth. What they were at home, in their past lives, it didn't matter here. All that matters is what they are now, and it's not something Chloe said to make them feel better. It is something she truly believes, has always believed. Perhaps she is too forgiving at times, but Chloe does believe people could change, if they make the effort.

The worst bit is the end, though. It reminds her of what happened at home, the reasons she kept Lucifer at arms length when she arrived. Things had gotten nominally better between them after Klaus almost killed him, in those moments when Chloe feared losing him more than she feared anything else in the world. ]

I can't really argue with that. Some of the people I have met here have been... Incredible. [ Elena, of course. Caroline, and Freya, and Klaus, even after what happened. Seth, who had bailed her ass out of the caves when she first arrived. Chloe was hard pressed to find friends at home, and she misses Linda and Ella and even Maze, for all of the pain the butt that Maze often proved to be. Somehow, she's already started to find her place in Wonderland, among the kind of things she had never used to believe in, regardless of how much she continues to reject it. ]

Honestly... Things weren't going great when I left home. [ Her divorce and everything that happened with Lucifer. Almost dying. Things weren't exactly working out in Chloe's favor. ] Is that why... I mean, you and Damon? Was that also at home or did that happen here? If you don't mind talking about it. [ She knows it's prying, but she's wondered about relationships here. After all, they were destined to fail, regardless, if people went back to their homes. Was that the kind of thing that mattered, too? ]

( the slight shift in conversation toward their romantic lives doesn't escape elena's notice, just like she also couldn't help but notice something between chloe and lucifer. even if it hasn't been acted upon, there's a real connection there. if she ever has hopes of understanding it, however, elena knows it'll have to be through chloe. lucifer can barely wrap his head around caring for people, much less loving them. he'd never been hugged when elena first stepped in to do just that. )

Chloe, I trust you. Of course I don't mind.

( if there's hesitation, it's not because of the question. it's more because of chloe's potential reaction to the answer. she doesn't want chloe thinking less of her. )

Damon and I first happened in Wonderland. I know back home and in the future we're together too, I just ... haven't lived it. I fought my feelings for him for a long time. It didn't feel right, for a lot of reasons, but away from home when it was just the two of us, things started to change.

( he started to change. )

[ Chloe wishes she can find the words to tell Elena how much her trust means to her. That someone here can trust her. Even with Lucifer there, she feels very alone sometimes. When it comes down to it, comes down to talking about feelings, Lucifer isn't the best person to have on hand.

Her story about Damon hits close to home and Chloe smiles slightly, thinking about how it's bit of the opposite for her and Lucifer... And even more so, since she and Lucifer didn't last.

She's glad Elena and Damon do, though. She's glad Elena has a future to look forward to. ]

I kind of get that. This place changes things. [ Changes people. Lucifer is a better man here than he has ever been before. Chloe isn't sure that changes anything about them, though. ] What happened that made you change your mind?

( she doesn't let people in easily.

it's one of the most contradicting parts of elena. she is open and warm and capable of a great deal of generosity, but she is also fiercely reserved with her thoughts and her feelings. it's often led people to believe they're closer to elena than they really are, finding themselves disappointed when they see the rest of her. but chloe ... she and chloe met under such unique circumstances, and experienced such a harrowing event together. it's not hard to say what's on her mind. it feels like it's okay.

in all honesty, she can't remember having that kind of ease with another woman since miranda gilbert. )

We did. Damon and I, we changed. ( damon especially. )

I actually didn't like him when we first met. He was frustrating and reckless and hurt people I love. ( quieter still. ) I tried really hard to hate him. ( she tried to cut him out of her life and never forgive him for all of the things that he did. for so long she wondered what it said about her that she couldn't. )

[ Elena might as well be talking about Chloe and Lucifer, the way she is talking about herself and Damon. It gives Chloe pause, makes her hesitate for a moment as she reflects on what her life has turned into here, how it has gone from the mess she had at home to a new mess here.

Partially one of her own making, if she has to be honest. She's the one that chose to hide from Lucifer what happened at home. She's the one who chooses to go on pretending like things were the way they were when Lucifer remembers. She's rewriting their own history and it hurts like she is carving it into her own skin. ]

How could you forgive him for that? For hurting people you care about?

( it's a fair question.

it's one that comes like a small punch in the gut, but it's fair. )

Because ... love isn't about what you deserve, and neither is forgiveness. We forgive people because they need it. ( she shakes her head, unsure of whether that makes sense, unsure of whether it's enough. ) When vampires turn their emotions off for so long, they lose what makes them human. They forget to care. But despite how hard Damon tried to hide it, I saw his humanity. I believed in that part of him.

( humanity is ugly at times, after all. it's cruel and spiteful. it feels. )

And being hated was always easier for him, but I think deep down he needed me to believe until he could believe in it himself. That there was good in him, and it was worth loving instead of self-sabotaging. I don't regret that choice. ( she'd stand by it through everything they've ever lived together. )

God, you could be talking about me and Lucifer.

[ She covers her face with her hands, letting out a frustrated sigh. Elena's right, though, and Chloe knows exactly how she feels. Maybe Lucifer wasn't a vampire but he was... Well, the Devil. And through it all, through his arrogance and selfishness, she had seen down to his heart. The pain he had suffered. The person he truly was, when he actually made the effort to care.

Of course, the difference was, Elena loved Damon. More importantly, Damon loved Elena. Chloe didn't have that with Lucifer.

It made forgiving him harder, even if he did need it. ]

How'd you get so smart for a kid?

Honestly? By not feeling like a kid 99% of the time.

( after her parents died, the landscape of her life changed significantly. she no longer felt like she could only be jeremy's sister. she felt a bigger responsibility, like that of a co-parent. of course, jenna was there -- and god, jenna tried so hard -- but elena's guilt didn't allow her to do anything but shoulder as much of that burden as possible. it was her fault jeremy was orphaned. it was her fault their parents drove off wickery bridge in the first place, and all for some dumb party she didn't even enjoy.

she didn't get to be careless anymore, not when being careless is what cost her so much. )

I just know ... I've yet to regret looking for the good in someone. ( you usually find it. )

Yeah. Me neither. [ Chloe stares into space thoughtfully. She is always the one that is known for seeing the good in others. The one who is known for being good, even when she doesn't feel like she is. Even Lucifer sees that in her and told her as much. While she would like to think she's been foolish with that grace, that kind of trust, she knows she hasn't. Maybe her marriage was a bad call but she had Trixie for it, and maybe things with Lucifer weren't easy but he has shown her a kind of life that is better for having him in it.

Yet here she is, being schooled by a young woman who knows way more about the world than Chloe will ever know. It doesn't feel bad, though. It's pretty much exactly what Chloe needs. Someone to talk some sense into her.

She finally smiles, turning her gaze back to Elena. ]

Well, if you ever need to feel like a kid, I read a mean bedtime story.

( she ducks her head with a laugh. )

You know what? I'm going to hold you to that.

( as someone who once planned on being a novelist, elena likes a mean bedtime story. she'll often poke at damon until he reads her one, and he'll bitch and moan about it the whole way, until they're curled up in bed and she's drifting off.

then there are other kinds of stories. the ones that are less fictional. elena can tell that she's given chloe some food for thought. she can only hope it's been the helpful sort. she gives chloe a meaningful look, reaching out to lightly squeeze her hand. )

I promised Billy I was going to meet him at the Youth Center later. Are you going to be okay?

[ Chloe squeezes her hand in return. She means it, too - not just how thankful she is for Elena's words and kindness, but that Elena is allowed to be a kid around her if she needs to be. Vulnerable, even. Chloe is pretty good at bringing out the vulnerability in people, as it happens. ]

Nah, you go do... Whatever it is you kids do around here. I'll be fine. I have... Plenty to catch up on. [ She gestures to the collection of books and Elena's notes scattered everywhere. ] Talk to you later?

ic contact for entranceway;

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject